Along the way on my path I began to bump into something over and over again. An idea that wouldn't allow me to pass. The idea was about listening to my voice. Not in the way you sound on tape, but the inner voice that speaks to you that we call our intuition.
I was getting clear messages through that voice and I was intellectually understanding that these messages were beneficial to me. Occasionally, when I was brave enough or life sometimes forced me to, I would listen to this voice and things always got "better". So with that said, why was it always a struggle to consistently listen to my voice? The answer required me to go inside myself. I had to employ mental and spiritual tracking. I achieved this through shamanic journeying. I would begin a journey by asking a question or with an intention. In this case I said, "Why won't I listen to my own intuition? What is the belief system I have installed that stands in my way?"
Though I achieved my results through journeying, meditation, yoga, float tanks, plant medicines and a variety of other methods can allow for the same results.
The concept is simple. It's like a hunt, but in this case we are hunting fears. When you have a question you can't solve, the answer leaves you clues on how to find it. Your fears tend to hide behind the walls you have created in your personality. Those walls were specifically created to protect you from ever having to deal with your fear. Tracking your fears requires a little bravery and a lot of honesty. But with that, you can find the answer to anything.
I finally realized, I didn't listen to my voice because I didn't trust myself. I hunted this thought/fear down as follows:
First I realized I didn't trust myself to do the best thing for myself. Why? Because I have done harm to myself in the past. Therefore if I hurt myself before I would do it again.
Building off of that information, my next step in the hunt was coming to this conclusion: Anyone who hurts themselves usually hurts others in response. Checking in with my checkered past, it was easy to see how I have hurt many others to get even with them or to preserve my own feelings.
That realization brought on this one: Anyone that would hurt themselves and others might not be a good person.
If that were true then if I am not a good person, the Universe/Spirit/God might think the same. If that is true, then I am a bad person.
So I concluded that bad people are not to be trusted.
And bad people don't deserve to be happy.
There is was. I couldn't be trusted and didn't deserve to be happy. So, if that were true then my voice or intuition could be just setting me up. And one day, the Universe/Spirit/God is going to get even with me for all the bad things I have done by giving me "bad" information. That was the belief system I installed in myself to protect myself from myself.
I installed that belief system years ago and I have been living off of that bad information ever since. It is something I picked up in a past relationship. She was committed to convincing me I wasn't as good as I thought I was. And she knew me well enough to know if she made a crack in my mental armor, I would analyze and then over-analyze until, after years and years, her belief would take hold and I would believe it and manifest it. (Later on I realized no one can make you feel anything and I'm completely responsible for my inner world but that's a different thought.)
So I here I was, a bad person. Now I have identified my problem. The hunt is almost complete. I can see the prey I have been tracking right in front of me. Now what? Here is where the bravery comes in. Ask yourself, your REAL self, your HIGHEST self, one huge question. Is it true? Am I a bad person? Now really listen to the answer.
Remember, when I asked this question I was in a journey in the spirit realm. I was shown the person I am now. A person who tries to love everyone. A person who's intentions for himself and others is never to do harm. And even though I do hurt people from time to time, my INTENTION is not to do that. And when it does happen, I'm now the kind of person that identifies it and appologizes for it. I saw how much work I've put into myself. How many other fears I've tracked down and "killed". I saw myself as a seeker on a path. A good person.
Once that moment happened a clear thought came to me. "From here on, trust yourself 100%." And from that moment on, I have. Now, when I hear my voice, I want to listen. I deserve to listen and when I do, things fall into place. My Universe gets in a grove and I get into a rhythm and together we sing the song of life.